I've moved my blog to Wordpress. you can find the continuing journey at
mattfurr.org
Join me there!!
M@
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Emotional Intelligence: self-awareness
From the earliest age, we learn a lesson that easily defines our lives – it’s all about ME! Yup, that cute, cuddly little bundle of joy that you bring home from the hospital is all about one person (and it’s not Mommy or Daddy). At that stage of life, it’s to be expected. But we rarely stop there…we often grow into selfish kids, teenagers, and adults.
Selfishness is not self-awareness. As a matter of fact, though they can be confused, they are really worlds apart.
Selfishness asks: How do I get what I want?
Self-awareness asks: What am I experiencing right now?
See the difference? Selfishness is about getting. Self-awareness is about understanding.
Self-awareness can become unhealthy when it’s distracting or obsessive. But when developed in healthy ways, it’s actually the foundation of healthy emotional intelligence. Without healthy self-awareness, we will miss several things:
- how and why we react the way we do in certain situations
- the ability to control our fear, pride, or anger in potentially/perceived threatening situations
- how our reactions impact others around us (to now care how our reactions impact others is to bring us back to a discussion on selfishness)
There is a danger here – as there is with almost every aspect of life. That danger is that in our attempt to become emotionally self-aware, we get self-obsessed. Not good. Went too far in that direction.
How can we cultivate a healthy self-awareness?
1. The Bible actually teaches us a ton about ourselves. We learn that fear is real. We learn about our ability to deceive even ourselves. We learn that each of us was created by God to reflect His character.
2. Look for flags – those moments when your reaction to something or someone is stronger than the situation seemed to call for. For example, when someone critiques your project with honesty, but you blast them back defensively. It’s a sign that there is something deeper going on in there. Unfortunately, the things that trigger us the most often take us by surprise – it’s part of the “fun” of learning.
3. Ask the tough questions. Why did I blow up like that? Why did I shut down when she said that? Why do I feel the need to control this person?
4. Process with a trusted friend or Godly counsel. Sure, sometimes it may need to be a good counselor who helps you process what triggers you. But it can often be a trusted friend or comrade who can help you get to the bottom of the situation.
5. Pray for insight. Who knows you better than yourself? God does. He has thoughts about how you live and He actually delights in your growth and development. Ask Him to show you more about you – the journey will actually help you get to know more about Him.
Psalm 139:1-18
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
Selfishness is not self-awareness. As a matter of fact, though they can be confused, they are really worlds apart.
Selfishness asks: How do I get what I want?
Self-awareness asks: What am I experiencing right now?
See the difference? Selfishness is about getting. Self-awareness is about understanding.
Self-awareness can become unhealthy when it’s distracting or obsessive. But when developed in healthy ways, it’s actually the foundation of healthy emotional intelligence. Without healthy self-awareness, we will miss several things:
- how and why we react the way we do in certain situations
- the ability to control our fear, pride, or anger in potentially/perceived threatening situations
- how our reactions impact others around us (to now care how our reactions impact others is to bring us back to a discussion on selfishness)
There is a danger here – as there is with almost every aspect of life. That danger is that in our attempt to become emotionally self-aware, we get self-obsessed. Not good. Went too far in that direction.
How can we cultivate a healthy self-awareness?
1. The Bible actually teaches us a ton about ourselves. We learn that fear is real. We learn about our ability to deceive even ourselves. We learn that each of us was created by God to reflect His character.
2. Look for flags – those moments when your reaction to something or someone is stronger than the situation seemed to call for. For example, when someone critiques your project with honesty, but you blast them back defensively. It’s a sign that there is something deeper going on in there. Unfortunately, the things that trigger us the most often take us by surprise – it’s part of the “fun” of learning.
3. Ask the tough questions. Why did I blow up like that? Why did I shut down when she said that? Why do I feel the need to control this person?
4. Process with a trusted friend or Godly counsel. Sure, sometimes it may need to be a good counselor who helps you process what triggers you. But it can often be a trusted friend or comrade who can help you get to the bottom of the situation.
5. Pray for insight. Who knows you better than yourself? God does. He has thoughts about how you live and He actually delights in your growth and development. Ask Him to show you more about you – the journey will actually help you get to know more about Him.
Psalm 139:1-18
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Emotional Intelligence: what is it?
I had a great breakfast with a couple of guys who are a bit further down the leadership road than I am. An important part of our conversation was about "emotional intelligence." It's an intriguing notion that I'd like to explore for a few days.
Thanks to Facebook, we've got a number of IQ tests available to us. For the most part, we're trying to measure how smart we are. Emotional intelligence is measuring something different. It would seem that there are 2 pieces to EI:
1. how well we know our own selves
2. how well we read and understand the emotional selves of the people around us
Why does EI matter? Let me toss out a couple key reasons:
1. for most leaders, EI will become their ceiling - their effectiveness at leading others will hinge less on the leadership skills they develop over time and more on their ability to "know thyself" and others.
2. our personal emotion (and I'd even say spiritual) health rides on our capacity to know ourselves - our faith journey cannot be distinguished from our journey toward emotional adulthood. It will impact our perspective on God and His role in our lives.
Do a quick little test for yourself...ready?
On a scale of 1-5, rate yourself in these ways:
1=never
2=rarely
3=sometimes
4=mostly
5=always
1. I take time to reflect on how I respond to others or present ideas during a meeting.
2. I eagerly invite others to give me their impressions of my motives and growth points based on our interactions.
3. I know when I'm reacting in fear or pride during a conversation.
4. I consistently take the emotional temperature in a room and tailor my response accordingly.
5. It matters to me how my interactions impact others during a meeting or conversation.
Add your score and see where you fall...
5-7 Have you ever read Dilbert? You know the manager? Yeah...
7-14 There are probably some great growth steps for you to take in the area of EI.
15-22 You're growing in this area and are probably eager to grow some more.
23-25 Yeah, right...have you ever read Dilbert? You know the manager?
The great thing about emotional intelligence, is that we can all take some steps of growth, if we determine to. So where are you? And do you want to grow your EI IQ?
Thanks to Facebook, we've got a number of IQ tests available to us. For the most part, we're trying to measure how smart we are. Emotional intelligence is measuring something different. It would seem that there are 2 pieces to EI:
1. how well we know our own selves
2. how well we read and understand the emotional selves of the people around us
Why does EI matter? Let me toss out a couple key reasons:
1. for most leaders, EI will become their ceiling - their effectiveness at leading others will hinge less on the leadership skills they develop over time and more on their ability to "know thyself" and others.
2. our personal emotion (and I'd even say spiritual) health rides on our capacity to know ourselves - our faith journey cannot be distinguished from our journey toward emotional adulthood. It will impact our perspective on God and His role in our lives.
Do a quick little test for yourself...ready?
On a scale of 1-5, rate yourself in these ways:
1=never
2=rarely
3=sometimes
4=mostly
5=always
1. I take time to reflect on how I respond to others or present ideas during a meeting.
2. I eagerly invite others to give me their impressions of my motives and growth points based on our interactions.
3. I know when I'm reacting in fear or pride during a conversation.
4. I consistently take the emotional temperature in a room and tailor my response accordingly.
5. It matters to me how my interactions impact others during a meeting or conversation.
Add your score and see where you fall...
5-7 Have you ever read Dilbert? You know the manager? Yeah...
7-14 There are probably some great growth steps for you to take in the area of EI.
15-22 You're growing in this area and are probably eager to grow some more.
23-25 Yeah, right...have you ever read Dilbert? You know the manager?
The great thing about emotional intelligence, is that we can all take some steps of growth, if we determine to. So where are you? And do you want to grow your EI IQ?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friendship (Part 6)
A final reflection on friendship. There is a dynamic that makes friendship strong and powerful. It's a dynamic that many in our transient culture miss...history. Knowing where another person comes from helps us to speak into and share the journey of where that person is going.
When we first moved to IL, that was one of the hardest parts. Everyone in our community was brand new - no one knew our history. And we didn't know theirs. Sure, we shared the stories - that's a good start. But we didn't share the history together.
History fosters great inside jokes and knowing looks. It generates stories of faithfulness and a foundation of encouragement that begins with "Remember when...?"
History - not just the stuff in books...but the stuff on which a strong friendship can be built.
With whom do you share the most history?
M@
When we first moved to IL, that was one of the hardest parts. Everyone in our community was brand new - no one knew our history. And we didn't know theirs. Sure, we shared the stories - that's a good start. But we didn't share the history together.
History fosters great inside jokes and knowing looks. It generates stories of faithfulness and a foundation of encouragement that begins with "Remember when...?"
History - not just the stuff in books...but the stuff on which a strong friendship can be built.
With whom do you share the most history?
M@
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Friendship (part 5)
An often overlooked element of a strong and healthy friendship is accountability.
Sure, friendships that lack fun are...well...not fun. But friendships that lack authentic, loving accountability will lack transformational umph.
Think of it this way, is it really loving to watch me make a series of bad decisions and not say anything at all? Or is it really loving to never ask how my marriage is? No, I don't think so, either.
Do you have someone asking you the hard questions? If not, who can you invite into your life enough to do so? Go talk with them today.
M@
Sure, friendships that lack fun are...well...not fun. But friendships that lack authentic, loving accountability will lack transformational umph.
Think of it this way, is it really loving to watch me make a series of bad decisions and not say anything at all? Or is it really loving to never ask how my marriage is? No, I don't think so, either.
Do you have someone asking you the hard questions? If not, who can you invite into your life enough to do so? Go talk with them today.
M@
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Izak - a birthday tribute
In a few hours, my son will turn 7 years old. I remember so much of that night and day. I remember the excitement of having Heidi wake me up and tell me it's time. I remember the adrenaline rush of driving to the hospital in the middle of the night - permission to speed! I remember being excited to meet my child. I remember keeping watch with Heidi while she labored in the store room because all the birthing rooms were full. I remember being so proud of her. I remember the music playing in the background. I remember the world passing me by and not caring because one of the most spectacular events in the world was taking place.
And now...7 years later, I've gotten to know that little critter a bit better. Here's what I've learned about your oldest son:
- We named him well. Izak means laughter and he LOVES to laugh!
- He loves doors. No...really...he loves doors. And anyone who has an automatic door on their van...they are awesome!
- He loves to have his back rubbed.
- He's great at snuggling on the couch while watching a movie.
- He likes to tease by saying, "Red Sox stink!"
- He works so hard to make sure he doesn't disappoint anyone; especially his parents.
- He has a heart that is soft toward God. He eagerly prays each day and looks for opportunities to pray with others if they are hurt or sick.
- He dances a pretty men irish jig!
- He's a good runner - I watch him on the playground and he's got great form...impressive!
- He has a blast playing tag with the girls at school. The little girl who wanted to give him a kiss makes him giggle...keep running, buddy!
- He's got a great ear for music.
- He's so smart...seriously. He gets that from his mother - not putting myself down, just recognizing what's true.
- He works hard to be a good friend to the people around him.
- He's compassionate. He's one of the first ones to stop when someone falls down - he checks to make sure they are ok.
- He doesn't understand why people would be mean or tease other kids. Seriously...it's eludes him.
I never imagined that I could love a child like I do my 3 kids. Not only was my first son born 7 years ago tonight...something in me was born, too...the love of a father. That love is fierce. That love is strong - sometimes overwhelming even to me. That love is rooted in today while looking to tomorrow.
And as I experience a father's love for my children, I grow in my understanding of God's love for me/us. My love for my kids falls short - I fail them almost daily. But the love of the Father never falls short, it always builds up and exceeds expectations.
I am proud to be the daddy of such a great kid. I'm humbled that God gave him to me as a gift. I'm honored that he is in my family.
Happy birthday, Izak. Your daddy is proud of you and of the boy you are becoming.
M@
And now...7 years later, I've gotten to know that little critter a bit better. Here's what I've learned about your oldest son:
- We named him well. Izak means laughter and he LOVES to laugh!
- He loves doors. No...really...he loves doors. And anyone who has an automatic door on their van...they are awesome!
- He loves to have his back rubbed.
- He's great at snuggling on the couch while watching a movie.
- He likes to tease by saying, "Red Sox stink!"
- He works so hard to make sure he doesn't disappoint anyone; especially his parents.
- He has a heart that is soft toward God. He eagerly prays each day and looks for opportunities to pray with others if they are hurt or sick.
- He dances a pretty men irish jig!
- He's a good runner - I watch him on the playground and he's got great form...impressive!
- He has a blast playing tag with the girls at school. The little girl who wanted to give him a kiss makes him giggle...keep running, buddy!
- He's got a great ear for music.
- He's so smart...seriously. He gets that from his mother - not putting myself down, just recognizing what's true.
- He works hard to be a good friend to the people around him.
- He's compassionate. He's one of the first ones to stop when someone falls down - he checks to make sure they are ok.
- He doesn't understand why people would be mean or tease other kids. Seriously...it's eludes him.
I never imagined that I could love a child like I do my 3 kids. Not only was my first son born 7 years ago tonight...something in me was born, too...the love of a father. That love is fierce. That love is strong - sometimes overwhelming even to me. That love is rooted in today while looking to tomorrow.
And as I experience a father's love for my children, I grow in my understanding of God's love for me/us. My love for my kids falls short - I fail them almost daily. But the love of the Father never falls short, it always builds up and exceeds expectations.
I am proud to be the daddy of such a great kid. I'm humbled that God gave him to me as a gift. I'm honored that he is in my family.
Happy birthday, Izak. Your daddy is proud of you and of the boy you are becoming.
M@
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Friendship (part 4)
Presence feeds friendship. Sure, presents do, too...but I'm talking about the "be with" factor of friendship.
There is something powerful about someone who will simply be with you. When you're walking through the fire of life, you look over and notice your friend...just there. When you are celebrating a life milestone...there they are. Sure, there are times for words. But there are also times when simply being present is the greatest gift ever.
I've experienced this from time to time. When my son was taken by ambulance after a bike accident - I got the call at work and raced to the hospital to find my friends were there first. As the evening progressed, a few other friends also come...just to be.
Why is presence so important to friendship? Probably because it reminds us that we're not alone. It may seem like a "duh" statement - but presence is counter-intuitive to most of us. We want something to do, to say...we are uncomfortable just being present. Why? Because it reminds us that we can't fix all the problems in the world - it reminds us that we have limits.
When words fall short. When there aren't actions that can reverse the trend. When there isn't a gift to cover the problem. Then there is presence.
Who has been someone who was simply present with you when you needed to not be alone? And for whom have you simply been present?
There is something powerful about someone who will simply be with you. When you're walking through the fire of life, you look over and notice your friend...just there. When you are celebrating a life milestone...there they are. Sure, there are times for words. But there are also times when simply being present is the greatest gift ever.
I've experienced this from time to time. When my son was taken by ambulance after a bike accident - I got the call at work and raced to the hospital to find my friends were there first. As the evening progressed, a few other friends also come...just to be.
Why is presence so important to friendship? Probably because it reminds us that we're not alone. It may seem like a "duh" statement - but presence is counter-intuitive to most of us. We want something to do, to say...we are uncomfortable just being present. Why? Because it reminds us that we can't fix all the problems in the world - it reminds us that we have limits.
When words fall short. When there aren't actions that can reverse the trend. When there isn't a gift to cover the problem. Then there is presence.
Who has been someone who was simply present with you when you needed to not be alone? And for whom have you simply been present?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
10 Lessons from Chuck Swindoll
Chuck Swindoll’s 10 Ministry Lessons and 8 Bonus Nuggets
By Kent Shaffer on Insight for Living
Chuck Swindoll of Insight for Living discussed 10 things he has learned in almost 50 years of ministry during Catalyst Conference’s 8th session. Here is what he said:
Fifty years ago, I was a first year student at Dallas Theological Seminary. I was scared, unsure of myself, and fresh out of the Marine Corp. I did not know much about seminary.
I remember sitting in chapel, and a minister told me, “Whe n God wants to do an impossible task, he takes an impossible person and crushes him.” I am so proud of everything you are dreaming of and doing that I hope that you remember to leave room for the crushing.
10 Things Chuck Swindoll Learned in 50ish Years of Ministry:
It’s lonely to lead.
Leadership involves tough decisions. The tougher the decisions, the lonelier it is.
It’s dangerous to succeed.
It is dangerous to succeed while being young. rarely, does God give leadership that young because it takes crushing and failure first.
It’s hardest at home.
Nobody at home is applauding you. They say, “Dad! You’re fly is open.”
It is essential to be real.
If there is one realm where phoniness is personified it is leadership. What I care about is that you stay real.
It is painful to obey.
There are rewards, yes, but it is painful nevertheless.
Brokenness and failure are necessary.
My attitude is more important than my actions.
Some of you are getting hard to be around. And your attitude covers all those great actions you pull off.
Integrity eclipses image.
What you are doing is not a show. And the best things you are doing is not up front but what you do behind the scenes.
God’s way is better than my way.
God is going to have His way.
Christ-likeness begins and ends with humility.
2 Corinthians 4:5-7 tells us that we must be willing to leave the familiar message without disturbing the Biblical message. We get that backwards. This was written in the first century, and now we are in the 21st century. The message stays the same. Don’t miss the message. As you alter the methods, don’t mess with the message.
Traditionalism is the dead faith of those still living. You will defend those things that don’t need defended.
Three Important Observations:
With every ministry a special mercy is needed.
In every ministry the same things must be renounced and rejected.
That is hiding shameful things, doing deceitful things, and corrupting truthful things. Guard against deception. Guard against deception.
Through every ministry a unique style should be pursued.
We don’t preach or promote ourselves (it isn’t about us). We declare Christ Jesus as Lord (it’s all about Him). We see ourselves as bond-servants for Jesus Christ.
Five Statements Worth Remembering During Your Next 50 Years of Leadership:
Whatever you do, do more with others and less alone.
It will help you become accountable.
Whenever you do it, emphasize quality not quantity.
Wherever you go, do it the same as if you were among those who know you the best.
It will keep you from exaggerating. it will help keep your stories true. Your good friend will tell you things that others will not. They will hold you close to truth.
Whoever may respond to your ministry, keep a level head.
However long you lead, keep on dripping with gratitude and grace.
Stay thankful. Stay gracious.
By Kent Shaffer on Insight for Living
Chuck Swindoll of Insight for Living discussed 10 things he has learned in almost 50 years of ministry during Catalyst Conference’s 8th session. Here is what he said:
Fifty years ago, I was a first year student at Dallas Theological Seminary. I was scared, unsure of myself, and fresh out of the Marine Corp. I did not know much about seminary.
I remember sitting in chapel, and a minister told me, “Whe n God wants to do an impossible task, he takes an impossible person and crushes him.” I am so proud of everything you are dreaming of and doing that I hope that you remember to leave room for the crushing.
10 Things Chuck Swindoll Learned in 50ish Years of Ministry:
It’s lonely to lead.
Leadership involves tough decisions. The tougher the decisions, the lonelier it is.
It’s dangerous to succeed.
It is dangerous to succeed while being young. rarely, does God give leadership that young because it takes crushing and failure first.
It’s hardest at home.
Nobody at home is applauding you. They say, “Dad! You’re fly is open.”
It is essential to be real.
If there is one realm where phoniness is personified it is leadership. What I care about is that you stay real.
It is painful to obey.
There are rewards, yes, but it is painful nevertheless.
Brokenness and failure are necessary.
My attitude is more important than my actions.
Some of you are getting hard to be around. And your attitude covers all those great actions you pull off.
Integrity eclipses image.
What you are doing is not a show. And the best things you are doing is not up front but what you do behind the scenes.
God’s way is better than my way.
God is going to have His way.
Christ-likeness begins and ends with humility.
2 Corinthians 4:5-7 tells us that we must be willing to leave the familiar message without disturbing the Biblical message. We get that backwards. This was written in the first century, and now we are in the 21st century. The message stays the same. Don’t miss the message. As you alter the methods, don’t mess with the message.
Traditionalism is the dead faith of those still living. You will defend those things that don’t need defended.
Three Important Observations:
With every ministry a special mercy is needed.
In every ministry the same things must be renounced and rejected.
That is hiding shameful things, doing deceitful things, and corrupting truthful things. Guard against deception. Guard against deception.
Through every ministry a unique style should be pursued.
We don’t preach or promote ourselves (it isn’t about us). We declare Christ Jesus as Lord (it’s all about Him). We see ourselves as bond-servants for Jesus Christ.
Five Statements Worth Remembering During Your Next 50 Years of Leadership:
Whatever you do, do more with others and less alone.
It will help you become accountable.
Whenever you do it, emphasize quality not quantity.
Wherever you go, do it the same as if you were among those who know you the best.
It will keep you from exaggerating. it will help keep your stories true. Your good friend will tell you things that others will not. They will hold you close to truth.
Whoever may respond to your ministry, keep a level head.
However long you lead, keep on dripping with gratitude and grace.
Stay thankful. Stay gracious.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Friendship (part 3)
I've found that going to Applebees for a date with my wife is killer. No, not because of the food (no comments here please), but because of the tvs all over the place. The lure of the flickering light calls for my attention - and before I realize it, I'm watching the relay of that horrible call at first base during the Red Sox/Angels game. I digress...
Just because we have ears, doesn't mean we listen well. Listening...really listening...is a skill that is developed and employed within healthy friendships.
Listening goes beyond the words to the feelings behind the words.
Listening requires asking good questions.
Listening requires time and intentional attention (say that ten times fast).
When your friend speaks, do you really listen?
m@
Just because we have ears, doesn't mean we listen well. Listening...really listening...is a skill that is developed and employed within healthy friendships.
Listening goes beyond the words to the feelings behind the words.
Listening requires asking good questions.
Listening requires time and intentional attention (say that ten times fast).
When your friend speaks, do you really listen?
m@
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Friendship (part 2)
Listening is an art, they say. If so, the beginning of that art is asking great questions. We all know that the acceptable answer to "How are you?" is "Fine, thank you...and you?" But great friendships go beyond that.
Great questions foster authenticity. They turn the knob on the door of your soul. They give you permission to be you.
Great questions communicate value. They tell the other person that "You're important and I really want to know."
Great questions create a pathway for healing. It's amazing how giving voice to our pain, anger and frustration actually disarms it's power. It doesn't make it go away, but it does steal some of it's power.
Great questions bust down the walls of isolation. We all live naturally in isolation - garage door up, garage door down, office door closed...it's natural. But a great question wakes people from the slumber of aloneness...it barges in and takes a seat.
Great questions wait...and wait...for a real answer.
Who asks you great questions? That person is a friend to you.
To whom do you ask great questions? That's a huge part of being a friend.
Sharing the journey,
M@
Great questions foster authenticity. They turn the knob on the door of your soul. They give you permission to be you.
Great questions communicate value. They tell the other person that "You're important and I really want to know."
Great questions create a pathway for healing. It's amazing how giving voice to our pain, anger and frustration actually disarms it's power. It doesn't make it go away, but it does steal some of it's power.
Great questions bust down the walls of isolation. We all live naturally in isolation - garage door up, garage door down, office door closed...it's natural. But a great question wakes people from the slumber of aloneness...it barges in and takes a seat.
Great questions wait...and wait...for a real answer.
Who asks you great questions? That person is a friend to you.
To whom do you ask great questions? That's a huge part of being a friend.
Sharing the journey,
M@
Monday, October 05, 2009
Friendship (part 1)
I've been processing friendship a bit lately. At the ripe old age of 36, I have enough track-record on which to look back and think about the decisions I have made as a friend and in fostering friendships with others.
One of the first things I realize is that some friendships are one-way and others are two-way. At first glance, it may seem that one-way friendship isn't friendship at all. Not true. It's possible to have some people in whom I invest myself. The flavor of that investment is friendship (sharing life together, authenticity, transparency, etc.). But it also has a purpose. And I don't expect mutuality in return.
Even though one-way friends can be a part of our lives, we also need two-way friendships. Those are relationships with people who invest themselves back our way, who watch our back, ask probing questions in return. A life void of two-way friendships is a life that's missing something crucial.
Think about your friends. Do you have some one-way friendships in whom you are investing yourself? Are you even the recipient of some one-way friendships? And do you also have some two-way friendships?
Sharing the journey,
M@
One of the first things I realize is that some friendships are one-way and others are two-way. At first glance, it may seem that one-way friendship isn't friendship at all. Not true. It's possible to have some people in whom I invest myself. The flavor of that investment is friendship (sharing life together, authenticity, transparency, etc.). But it also has a purpose. And I don't expect mutuality in return.
Even though one-way friends can be a part of our lives, we also need two-way friendships. Those are relationships with people who invest themselves back our way, who watch our back, ask probing questions in return. A life void of two-way friendships is a life that's missing something crucial.
Think about your friends. Do you have some one-way friendships in whom you are investing yourself? Are you even the recipient of some one-way friendships? And do you also have some two-way friendships?
Sharing the journey,
M@
Thursday, September 03, 2009
What kind of leader are you? by Tim Elmore
Commanders, Kings and Celebrities
By Tim Elmore
Stop and reflect for a minute. Think about the way you lead people. What’s your style?
This past year, I have purposefully observed thousands of leaders do their thing, as I travel the road and speak in schools, companies and other organizations. I’ve drawn several conclusions—and some have proven to be helpful, fresh insights for me. Let me toss one of them to you here:
Your motivation for leading, will determine your…
Duration – If your motive for leading is good, it will impact how long you last.
Donation – If your motive is good, it will increase the value you add to the team.
Decisions – If your motive is good, it will enhance your wisdom and objectivity.
Direction – If your motive is good, it will determine your style and approach.
In other words—why you do something will ultimately determine what you do, as a leader. Let me illustrate with the following popular styles of leadership, and suggest how motivation fits into the style and decisions of each type of leader.
Commanders
You know these people. They lead with a top-down style. Their behavior is marked by one-way communication. They download only. It’s one person leveraging their power over the team. They may have begun their leadership journey in a different style, but as they aged or grew impatient with people, they got short and migrated to a “just do what I want you to do” style.” It’s an approach that’s more about telling than asking. It’s about demanding and requiring. You don’t have to be a psychologist to see that this leader’s motives are distorted. They now operate from a desire for power. The goal of the commander is to enforce their rules and authority. They want CONTROL.
Kings
Kings represent a slightly different style of leader. Their behavior is marked by a drive to maintain stability. Why? Because stability is the best way to remain king. They have a growing love for tradition; they have a vested interest in keeping things the way they’ve been in the past. It’s as though once this leader got their position—their entire goal is to keep their position. These leaders are about managing order. The want order. They aren’t necessarily bad people, but they are likely going to be bad leaders in this ever-changing world we live in. They are compromisers. They won’t take risks unless the risk is about helping to maintain and manage what already is. The goal of the monarchy is to enrich the king; to keep him in power. They want COMPLIANCE.
Celebrities
Celebrities are a third type of leadership style. Their behavior is marked by the pursuit of perks and popularity. If you watch them closely, you’ll notice a keen desire for applause and affirmation. Like the styles above, they aren’t necessarily bad people, but this motivation for recognition not only diminishes their ability to lead well, it clouds their ability to make good decisions. Their perspective is colored by their own needs. They are the proverbial “YouTube” video maker who wants to post videos to see how many people watch them. They love accumulating friends in a Facebook group. Because this is their motive, they want peace between all parties. They want folks to get along, be happy, and look to them for entertainment and fulfillment. They love the fame that comes with their position. They love the attention it affords them. The celebrity performer wants CREDIT.
So What Can We Do?
Although each of these styles are common, they represent unhealthy leadership. Perhaps each of us struggles with one of them, but today’s leader must emerge out of these ineffective styles, especially if we want to lead the next generation. I don’t know of any young person today who is looking for a leader who is a “commander” or a “king” or a “celebrity.” Students can sense that motives are wrong and that progress and purpose are diminished because of the leader.
So, what can we do to change? What is the change we need to make? How should we target our leadership so it is relevant and healthy for a new generation who looks for good leadership? Let me suggest a fourth style below that most young people I know are looking for in a leader.
Connectors
If leaders will shift their motives away from themselves and their own needs, they will find their style will shift as well. I call the new kind of leader students are looking for today: a “Connector.” The connector is healthy and doesn’t need the team to affirm their value. It isn’t about them. Instead, it is about connecting the players on the team in four ways:
1. The leader connects team members to a “cause”
2. The leader connects team members to other people on the team.
3. The leader connects team members to their strengths
4. The leader connects team members to the leader relationally.
This is not to say the connecter fails to run point. They are definitely responsible for the outcomes. But they know it is a team effort, and their job is to maximize the potential of each team member. This means they understand they lead in an “upload” culture, not merely a “download” one, which only allows the leader to have a say. This leader helps others flourish. Their goal is to turn potential into performance, regardless of who gets the credit. It means the leader recognizes the value of relationships between team members not just their relationship to their team members. It means they share the power. The columns below summarize the shift from yesterday’s leader to today’s:
This kind of leader is described in detail in Habitudes—Images That Form Leadership Habits and Attitudes, Book Four (The Art of Changing Culture). In it I talk about the leader who connects team members in order to nurture a healthy culture. If you’re interested in discussing this with your team—check out our special on this book to the right.
So, what’s your motive for leading? Here’s hoping you can move from a commander or king or celebrity to a connector…for the sake of the cause and for your sake as well.
Tim Elmore
www.GrowingLeaders.com
By Tim Elmore
Stop and reflect for a minute. Think about the way you lead people. What’s your style?
This past year, I have purposefully observed thousands of leaders do their thing, as I travel the road and speak in schools, companies and other organizations. I’ve drawn several conclusions—and some have proven to be helpful, fresh insights for me. Let me toss one of them to you here:
Your motivation for leading, will determine your…
Duration – If your motive for leading is good, it will impact how long you last.
Donation – If your motive is good, it will increase the value you add to the team.
Decisions – If your motive is good, it will enhance your wisdom and objectivity.
Direction – If your motive is good, it will determine your style and approach.
In other words—why you do something will ultimately determine what you do, as a leader. Let me illustrate with the following popular styles of leadership, and suggest how motivation fits into the style and decisions of each type of leader.
Commanders
You know these people. They lead with a top-down style. Their behavior is marked by one-way communication. They download only. It’s one person leveraging their power over the team. They may have begun their leadership journey in a different style, but as they aged or grew impatient with people, they got short and migrated to a “just do what I want you to do” style.” It’s an approach that’s more about telling than asking. It’s about demanding and requiring. You don’t have to be a psychologist to see that this leader’s motives are distorted. They now operate from a desire for power. The goal of the commander is to enforce their rules and authority. They want CONTROL.
Kings
Kings represent a slightly different style of leader. Their behavior is marked by a drive to maintain stability. Why? Because stability is the best way to remain king. They have a growing love for tradition; they have a vested interest in keeping things the way they’ve been in the past. It’s as though once this leader got their position—their entire goal is to keep their position. These leaders are about managing order. The want order. They aren’t necessarily bad people, but they are likely going to be bad leaders in this ever-changing world we live in. They are compromisers. They won’t take risks unless the risk is about helping to maintain and manage what already is. The goal of the monarchy is to enrich the king; to keep him in power. They want COMPLIANCE.
Celebrities
Celebrities are a third type of leadership style. Their behavior is marked by the pursuit of perks and popularity. If you watch them closely, you’ll notice a keen desire for applause and affirmation. Like the styles above, they aren’t necessarily bad people, but this motivation for recognition not only diminishes their ability to lead well, it clouds their ability to make good decisions. Their perspective is colored by their own needs. They are the proverbial “YouTube” video maker who wants to post videos to see how many people watch them. They love accumulating friends in a Facebook group. Because this is their motive, they want peace between all parties. They want folks to get along, be happy, and look to them for entertainment and fulfillment. They love the fame that comes with their position. They love the attention it affords them. The celebrity performer wants CREDIT.
So What Can We Do?
Although each of these styles are common, they represent unhealthy leadership. Perhaps each of us struggles with one of them, but today’s leader must emerge out of these ineffective styles, especially if we want to lead the next generation. I don’t know of any young person today who is looking for a leader who is a “commander” or a “king” or a “celebrity.” Students can sense that motives are wrong and that progress and purpose are diminished because of the leader.
So, what can we do to change? What is the change we need to make? How should we target our leadership so it is relevant and healthy for a new generation who looks for good leadership? Let me suggest a fourth style below that most young people I know are looking for in a leader.
Connectors
If leaders will shift their motives away from themselves and their own needs, they will find their style will shift as well. I call the new kind of leader students are looking for today: a “Connector.” The connector is healthy and doesn’t need the team to affirm their value. It isn’t about them. Instead, it is about connecting the players on the team in four ways:
1. The leader connects team members to a “cause”
2. The leader connects team members to other people on the team.
3. The leader connects team members to their strengths
4. The leader connects team members to the leader relationally.
This is not to say the connecter fails to run point. They are definitely responsible for the outcomes. But they know it is a team effort, and their job is to maximize the potential of each team member. This means they understand they lead in an “upload” culture, not merely a “download” one, which only allows the leader to have a say. This leader helps others flourish. Their goal is to turn potential into performance, regardless of who gets the credit. It means the leader recognizes the value of relationships between team members not just their relationship to their team members. It means they share the power. The columns below summarize the shift from yesterday’s leader to today’s:
This kind of leader is described in detail in Habitudes—Images That Form Leadership Habits and Attitudes, Book Four (The Art of Changing Culture). In it I talk about the leader who connects team members in order to nurture a healthy culture. If you’re interested in discussing this with your team—check out our special on this book to the right.
So, what’s your motive for leading? Here’s hoping you can move from a commander or king or celebrity to a connector…for the sake of the cause and for your sake as well.
Tim Elmore
www.GrowingLeaders.com
Sunday, August 30, 2009
so...what's next?
I've been blogging for several years now. This blog space has been a combination of personal updates as well as my political, leadership, church, and biblical reflections.
For the past several months, I've also been toying around with Facebook and Twitter. In doing so, I've found that these two media actually serve the purpose of personal updates even more effectively than blogging - they tend to be more "real time" than blogging. So...for personal updates and the scoop on the Furr family, follow me at twitter/mattfurr or facebook.com/mattfurr.
So...what's to become of the Furr Journey blog? I'm not complete sure yet. As you can tell from the lack of recent postings, something is amiss. I just don't know what it is yet. I'm taking some time to consider some options. But I do know for sure that I'll be back in this space - and it probably won't be too far in the future before I return.
Until then, peace on the Journey,
Matt
For the past several months, I've also been toying around with Facebook and Twitter. In doing so, I've found that these two media actually serve the purpose of personal updates even more effectively than blogging - they tend to be more "real time" than blogging. So...for personal updates and the scoop on the Furr family, follow me at twitter/mattfurr or facebook.com/mattfurr.
So...what's to become of the Furr Journey blog? I'm not complete sure yet. As you can tell from the lack of recent postings, something is amiss. I just don't know what it is yet. I'm taking some time to consider some options. But I do know for sure that I'll be back in this space - and it probably won't be too far in the future before I return.
Until then, peace on the Journey,
Matt
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Inspirational Leaders - by Michael Hyatt
Four Characteristics of Inspirational Leaders
I’ve met numerous leaders in my career. Some did a better job than others at actually leading. But few were what I would call “inspirational leaders.”
By inspirational, I simply that they had the ability to motivate others to accomplish something significant, perhaps even heroic. William Wallace was such a man.
***************
you can read the rest at Michael's blog:
http://michaelhyatt.com/2007/04/four-characteristics-of-inspirational-leaders.html
I’ve met numerous leaders in my career. Some did a better job than others at actually leading. But few were what I would call “inspirational leaders.”
By inspirational, I simply that they had the ability to motivate others to accomplish something significant, perhaps even heroic. William Wallace was such a man.
***************
you can read the rest at Michael's blog:
http://michaelhyatt.com/2007/04/four-characteristics-of-inspirational-leaders.html
Friday, May 01, 2009
I need more time...by Seth Godin
You'll note that I posted something by Seth last month. He's someone who's challenged me with some good thinking and I just want to pass it along.
Also, you'll note that it's been about a month...not sure what's up with that. I feel a sense of writer's block or something...anyway...read on and be challenged...
I need more time
By Seth Godin
First rule of decision making: More time does not create better decisions.
In fact, it usually decreases the quality of the decision.
More information may help. More time without more information just creates anxiety, not insight.
Deciding now frees up your most valuable asset, time, so you can go work on something else. What happens if, starting today, you make every decision as soon as you have a reasonable amount of data?
Also, you'll note that it's been about a month...not sure what's up with that. I feel a sense of writer's block or something...anyway...read on and be challenged...
I need more time
By Seth Godin
First rule of decision making: More time does not create better decisions.
In fact, it usually decreases the quality of the decision.
More information may help. More time without more information just creates anxiety, not insight.
Deciding now frees up your most valuable asset, time, so you can go work on something else. What happens if, starting today, you make every decision as soon as you have a reasonable amount of data?
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
The sad lie of mediocrity By Seth Godin
The sad lie of mediocrity
By Seth Godin
Doing 4% less does not get you 4% less.
Doing 4% less may very well get you 95% less.
That's because almost good enough gets you nowhere. No sales, no votes, no customers. The sad lie of mediocrity is the mistaken belief that partial effort yields partial results. In fact, the results are usually totally out of proportion to the incremental effort.
Big organizations have the most trouble with this, because they don't notice the correlation. It's hidden by their momentum and layers of bureaucracy. So a mediocre phone rep or a mediocre chef may not appear to be doing as much damage as they actually are.
The flip side of this is that when you are at the top, the best in the world, the industry leader, a tiny increase in effort and quality can translate into huge gains. For a while, anyway.
By Seth Godin
Doing 4% less does not get you 4% less.
Doing 4% less may very well get you 95% less.
That's because almost good enough gets you nowhere. No sales, no votes, no customers. The sad lie of mediocrity is the mistaken belief that partial effort yields partial results. In fact, the results are usually totally out of proportion to the incremental effort.
Big organizations have the most trouble with this, because they don't notice the correlation. It's hidden by their momentum and layers of bureaucracy. So a mediocre phone rep or a mediocre chef may not appear to be doing as much damage as they actually are.
The flip side of this is that when you are at the top, the best in the world, the industry leader, a tiny increase in effort and quality can translate into huge gains. For a while, anyway.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Seasons - Craig Groeschel
God Determines the Seasons
By Craig Groeschel on spiritual development
God determines when a season begins and ends. Scripture says, “Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. 21 He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them…” (Dan 2:20-21 NIV)
Jesus seemed very aware of God controlling the times. He said in John 2:4, “…My time has not yet come.” Later in John 17:1, he prayed confidently, “…Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you.”
It is helpful to remember that there is a purpose in every season.
Paul waited for months before God opened the door for ministry.
Elisha followed Elijah f or years hoping to get what Elijah had.
Joseph spent years in prison before being promoted to the palace.
I try to remind myself that I can’t skip a season and every season is important.
If you seem stuck in a non-ending season, find comfort in these verses:
This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place…Habakkuk 2:3
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.Gal 6:9
What are some of the most important seasons you’ve experienced?
By Craig Groeschel on spiritual development
God determines when a season begins and ends. Scripture says, “Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. 21 He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them…” (Dan 2:20-21 NIV)
Jesus seemed very aware of God controlling the times. He said in John 2:4, “…My time has not yet come.” Later in John 17:1, he prayed confidently, “…Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you.”
It is helpful to remember that there is a purpose in every season.
Paul waited for months before God opened the door for ministry.
Elisha followed Elijah f or years hoping to get what Elijah had.
Joseph spent years in prison before being promoted to the palace.
I try to remind myself that I can’t skip a season and every season is important.
If you seem stuck in a non-ending season, find comfort in these verses:
This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place…Habakkuk 2:3
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.Gal 6:9
What are some of the most important seasons you’ve experienced?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
My Mother's Prayers - by Bill Bright
My Mother's Prayers
"Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out one after another, calling each by its name." (Isaiah 40:26)
As a young man, I was a materialist and humanist. To me at that time, success in life was measured by the accumulation of material possessions, honors, applause, and the praise of men.
The idea of God, or a Savior, or the Bible, had little place in my life. All through high school, college and in graduate school, on the extension faculty of Oklahoma State University, and later as a businessman in Hollywood, California, where as a young man I developed my own business, I was motivated by selfish goals and materialistic pursuits.
Then one day I sensed that unseen hand of God in my life. I can only describe it as a sovereign visit from God. God and my mother's prayers caught up with me. I was drawn to the First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood.
It was there that I heard about the great Creator God of the universe. Simultaneously, I discovered that my head had been in the sand -- the sand of mundane, selfish interests and temporal pursuits.
But there at that wonderful church in Hollywood, I was moved to look up, beyond my microscopic world, at the wonder of creation, behind which was an obvious Creator. And one day I met this One who, according to the Bible, came to this earth in the greatest act of love the world would ever has ever known. He is Jesus of Nazareth, God's only Son.
My life has never been the same since I surrendered my life to Him.
YOUR VIEW OF GOD REALLY MATTERS...
Have you ever fully surrendered to God? Until you surrender unconditionally, you will never experience the incredible adventure God offers you. If you haven't already, why don't you take the first step today---surrender.
Additional reading: Philemon 1; Ephesians 3:1; Romans 1:1; James 1:1; 2 Peter 1:1; Jude 1.
Because God is sovereign...
I will joyfully submit to His will.
Adapted from Daily Insights, by Bill Bright.
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from theDiscover God Bible (NLT).
"Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out one after another, calling each by its name." (Isaiah 40:26)
As a young man, I was a materialist and humanist. To me at that time, success in life was measured by the accumulation of material possessions, honors, applause, and the praise of men.
The idea of God, or a Savior, or the Bible, had little place in my life. All through high school, college and in graduate school, on the extension faculty of Oklahoma State University, and later as a businessman in Hollywood, California, where as a young man I developed my own business, I was motivated by selfish goals and materialistic pursuits.
Then one day I sensed that unseen hand of God in my life. I can only describe it as a sovereign visit from God. God and my mother's prayers caught up with me. I was drawn to the First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood.
It was there that I heard about the great Creator God of the universe. Simultaneously, I discovered that my head had been in the sand -- the sand of mundane, selfish interests and temporal pursuits.
But there at that wonderful church in Hollywood, I was moved to look up, beyond my microscopic world, at the wonder of creation, behind which was an obvious Creator. And one day I met this One who, according to the Bible, came to this earth in the greatest act of love the world would ever has ever known. He is Jesus of Nazareth, God's only Son.
My life has never been the same since I surrendered my life to Him.
YOUR VIEW OF GOD REALLY MATTERS...
Have you ever fully surrendered to God? Until you surrender unconditionally, you will never experience the incredible adventure God offers you. If you haven't already, why don't you take the first step today---surrender.
Additional reading: Philemon 1; Ephesians 3:1; Romans 1:1; James 1:1; 2 Peter 1:1; Jude 1.
Because God is sovereign...
I will joyfully submit to His will.
Adapted from Daily Insights, by Bill Bright.
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from theDiscover God Bible (NLT).
Thursday, March 19, 2009
listening to God...
Psalm 131: “My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore” (NIV).
What a great way to begin a time of prayer...
M@
What a great way to begin a time of prayer...
M@
Monday, February 09, 2009
just because
wow...since I started blogging a few years ago, I don't think I've ever gone this long without a post. I'm guessing that even my mother has stopped checking in! Why the lack of posts? Probably a few reasons: i'm very busy, i'm doing more personal updates via facebook these days, and, did I mention I'm really busy? I suspect I'll get back on the wagon, but don't want to make any promises I can't keep.
Here's a little personal update:
1. Heidi's out interviewing for jobs. Since moving to IL, she's been working for a staffing agency, which staffs nurses in many area hospitals. As the economy has taken a dive, hospitals have relied much less on agencies, so her work has slowed to a halt in the past few months. So she's talking with hospitals directly. Several are interested in her, so she should have some good choices.
2. The kids are doing great! Levi is growing in his swordplay, which is disconcerting for his sister. Izak continues to love school and learning - especially about the weather. And Liberty is a great artist who also loves to play on the computer when she can.
3. Life at the Chapel is busy. The building project is wrapping up with amazing results. We had hoped and prayed that the direction we're taking would create great space that helps people connect with each other and God. We're seeing it happen! Thanks, God!
4. Personally, I'm a bit tired these days. I'm trying to figure that out and get to the bottom of it. also probably one of the reasons that I'm not writing much these days.
5. Can't believe the Pats missed the playoffs and another shot at the super bowl. Congrats to Steelers nation.
Back to daddy-land...
M@
Here's a little personal update:
1. Heidi's out interviewing for jobs. Since moving to IL, she's been working for a staffing agency, which staffs nurses in many area hospitals. As the economy has taken a dive, hospitals have relied much less on agencies, so her work has slowed to a halt in the past few months. So she's talking with hospitals directly. Several are interested in her, so she should have some good choices.
2. The kids are doing great! Levi is growing in his swordplay, which is disconcerting for his sister. Izak continues to love school and learning - especially about the weather. And Liberty is a great artist who also loves to play on the computer when she can.
3. Life at the Chapel is busy. The building project is wrapping up with amazing results. We had hoped and prayed that the direction we're taking would create great space that helps people connect with each other and God. We're seeing it happen! Thanks, God!
4. Personally, I'm a bit tired these days. I'm trying to figure that out and get to the bottom of it. also probably one of the reasons that I'm not writing much these days.
5. Can't believe the Pats missed the playoffs and another shot at the super bowl. Congrats to Steelers nation.
Back to daddy-land...
M@
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